Co-Parenting without Conflict Seems Impossible, So Now What?
In a perfect world, your kids would seamlessly transition between two homes, and sharing custody would be simple and amicable.
However, raising a child with a former partner can be challenging at the best of times; if you’re attempting to co-parent with a difficult ex, it can seem downright impossible.
There are many reasons why co-parenting may seem like a pipe dream. Maybe you argue every time you’re in the same room, or he or she is narcissistic, controlling or abusive.
Here are some other reasons why you might find yourself in a seemingly impossible situation:
- A parent is abusing alcohol or drugs
- A parent is neglectful to the child or children
- A parent is alienating their child/children from the other parent
- One parent has a restraining order against the other parent
- A parent abandons the child/children
- A parent has demonstrated inappropriate sexual behavior
First, it’s important to recognize that every contested California child custody and visitation case (not including domestic violence cases) has to go through a mandatory court mediation process.
It typically goes like this: you file your paperwork and are given a mediation date. You must participate in the mediation process—no matter how convinced you are that it won’t work, or that it’s a waste of time.
Your communication with the mediator is confidential and protected by California Evidence Code section 1040 and California Family Code 3177.
Note: mediation is not about you and your partner mending the relationship. It’s about resolving disagreements related to child custody with an unbiased mediator.
In addition to attending mediation sessions, here are some ways to make a difficult parental relationship easier:
Let the mediator and divorce attorney do their jobs.
It’s not up to you to go at it alone, and you’ll just end up frustrated and exhausted. Co-parenting without conflict on your own might not be viable, and that’s okay.
You can’t reason with a vindictive ex-spouse, or risk harming your child’s well-being because you’re constantly fighting over child custody.
Let family law mediators and California divorce attorneys help you effectively communicate and co-parent with a difficult ex.
Try to understand their position.
Is the other person doing everything he/she can to provide a healthy environment for your child? If so, his or her opinion may differ from yours, but it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong.
If someone is abusive or combative, however, this may not be possible. But always take a step back, cool down, and look at the bigger picture before you react.
Set clear boundaries.
If your angry ex-partner continuously sends belittling texts or tries to engage you in arguments on the phone, it’s time to set boundaries.
Maybe you want to make a rule that email or texting should be used only for logistics like doctor’s appointments or a weekend meeting time. Or, maybe you’ll only communicate through your mediator or divorce attorney.
Think, don’t act.
As hard as it is, don’t knee-jerk react to emails, texts or social media posts from your ex-spouse, no matter how inflammatory they are. If you must, block him or her on social media.
The less you give in to these attempts to get your reaction, the better off you’ll be. Not only will you feel better, but he or she may stop altogether if they don’t get a reaction.
Avoid potential meetups.
If you can’t stand to be in the same room as your ex, don’t schedule a joint parent-teacher meeting or a huge family birthday party.
Stick to separate events, and have a family member or mediator drop off your child at the other parent’s place if you don’t think you can handle seeing them.
The important thing to remember is that it needs to be all about the children, and not at all about your relationship with your ex-partner. Your child should not have to deal with adult issues. No matter how difficult it is, put your child’s health and well-being first!
If you’re trying to co-parent with a difficult ex, our experienced California divorce attorneys can provide the strong, compassionate legal support you and your family need during this difficult time.
Our entire staff is involved, informed and looking forward to sharing our expertise and support. Co-parenting without conflict is possible, so contact us today.
Learn more about the factors that determine child custody in California.
This article is not intended as legal advice or a substitute for legal advice. We simply want to give you an idea of what to expect as you navigate this journey, and help you understand your next steps.